


But I still want You

by divadrab



Series: AFTG music AUs [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Neil Josten as Nathaniel Wesninski, POV Neil Josten, Song: The Truth Untold (BTS)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28810107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divadrab/pseuds/divadrab
Summary: Prince Nathaniel wants, wants, wants.The Truth Untold au!
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: AFTG music AUs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2112198
Kudos: 27





	But I still want You

**Author's Note:**

> HI! i'm gonna be starting this new series where i write aftge scenarios over songs that remind me of them. This one is based on BTS's The Truth Untold, I strongly recommend listening to it as you read.

_ Full of loneliness. _

Being the prince of a dictator king, Nathaniel did not really have many friends. He had to exchange pleasantries with other princes and kings, to save face, to keep his father’s reputation intact. He was alone, especially after his mother was painted as dead by his father. Nathaniel knew the truth, though. She was working to expose his dictatorship, so he staged a car accident in retaliation. Nathaniel was beaten to a pulp because he cried at his mother’s funeral, at the age of 6, and that’s when he knew his father was not the kind generous man he claimed to be.

_ This garden bloomed, full of thorns. _

Nathaniel’s head was a mess, full of anger. He was angry at the world for letting a king like his father to rule. He was angry at his mother for letting herself be taken away from him. He was angry at himself for being helpless. His anger had no outlet; it boiled and simmered and vibrated in his body until he broke down or lashed out in front of an unfortunate staff member.

_ I bind myself to this sandcastle. _

Nathaniel had vowed he would never be his father when he was 12 after his father slashed his torso for arguing with a diplomat. And with his uncontrolled anger, the only thing he could do to douse the flames was lulling himself to some sense of peace. An imaginary place in his head he went to when it’s a sunny afternoon in the gardens. Someplace so fragile, a blow from his father would destroy, a betrayal from his guards would rend it to tiny molecules, or a stingy memory would make it inhabitable.

_ What is your name? _

He wonders as he watches a gardener tending to the roses facing him.

“Nicky, your Highness,” he grins and offers him a rose.

He wonders as he watches a butler fix his bed.

“Aaron, your grace,” he doesn’t smile, his politeness is borderline fake.

He wonders as the head of his security team gives a firm pat on the back.

“You can call me Matt, can I call you Nathaniel or Neil?”

He wonders as his tailor takes his measurements.

“I’ll sneak some sweatpants because I know you hate your sleepwear; don’t tell anyone it’s me, though. They’ll have my head by the morning,” Allison –who insists Nathaniel calls her Alli – says and hugs him. 

He wonders as the stablewoman grooms his horse.

“Renee at your service, your Highness,” she smiles so angelically he almost mistakes her for a supernatural being.

He wonders as his advisor whispers instructions in his ear.

“Dannielle makes me feel old, just call me Dan,”

He wonders as his tutor rolls his eyes at him and points at the poetry book, demanding they continue analyzing Shakespeare.

“I’ll help you assassinate the king if you stop calling me Mr. Minyard, I’m not that older than you are,”

He wonders as the man sitting to prince Riko’s right flinches when the prince clasps a hand on his thigh.

“Tell Andrew Minyard Kevin Day needs to see him,” he whispers as they shake hands.

_ Do you have a place to go? Oh, could you tell me? I saw you hiding in this garden. _

He wants to reach out and ask Andrew why he’s sneaking over the gates in the garden, then he remembers Kevin Day’s request. He has too many questions that Andrew would probably not answer. Matt catches him looking out of the window, “you okay, Neil?”

Apparently, that nickname spread between his personal staff, he didn’t mind it.

“I’m fine,” Nathaniel replies and they head to the foyer.

_ And I know, all your warmth is real. _

No one would describe Andrew’s demeanor towards him as warmth, but Neil knows better. He knows that the soft touches only ever are directed to him. He knows the empty threats aren’t just useless because he’s the prince. He knows that the insults are welcome and up for a response.

_ The blue flower your hand was picking, I want to hold it but, _

Nathaniel would never draw eyes on Andrew, will not make him a new method for the King to torment him through. Andrew doesn’t deserve that, he deserves so much better. Nathaniel knows better than to cling to their relationship because he doesn’t deserve it.

_ It’s my fate. _

__

__

He can’t change the unchangeable, he can’t fix the unfixable.

__

_ Don’t smile at me, light on me, because I can’t closer to you. _

__

He dies a little inside whenever Nicky makes a joke. His smile is sad whenever Aaron leaves him special tea leaves he had collected from their garden. Tears prick his eyes whenever Matt or Allison calls him baby or some sort of endearment. Words get stuck in his throat when Renee offers him her lunch. It pains him how much Dan has become a sister figure to him. Even Kevin sends him informal letters and asks him to hang out.

__

Andrew, though, he pushes away. He pushes and pushes and pushes but Andrew pushes back twice as hard. He hates that with a passion.

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_ There is no name you can call me. _

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As much as everyone in his little family tries, he’s still the prince. They can call him Neil, baby, or Nathaniel, but he will never connect with them as much as he wants.

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_ You know that I can’t, show you me, give you me _

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They all know, but he doesn’t sense pity. He only sees sincerity as they make his life a little bit better.

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Andrew is never insistent, he never asks for more than Nathaniel gives, never offers more than Neil could take.

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_ I can’t show you the ruined part of myself. _

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Because Nathaniel is scarred and ugly and has too much hate and rage in him.

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Because he lies and lies and they still don’t give him out.

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_ Once again, I put a mask on and go to see you. _

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Lies to protect them.

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Lies to protect himself.

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Lies to keep in the dark, what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

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_ But I still want you. _

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Oh how much he wants, to let go, to hold on, to cherish, and to ruin.

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How much he wants to make Andrew admit that what they have is more than nothing,

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How much he wants the people that consider him family to stay.

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He wants and wants and wants…

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_ Bloomed in a garden of loneliness. _

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There is a boy named Nathaniel, that has too much loath and want in him for his own good.

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He was born a prince, but he’d rather be on the streets.

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His father’s fists are well acquainted with his body.

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_ A flower that resembles you. _

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Want turns into love.

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Love for his family.

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Love for Andrew.

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_ I wanted to give it to you. _

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He does, he wants to reciprocate their love.

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_ After I take off the foolish mask. _

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He’s angry at the lies.

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He’s tired of the lies.

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He doesn’t want to pretend he doesn’t watch them secretly when they’re laughing and having lunch together.

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He doesn’t want to pretend he doesn’t want to go home with Andrew when night falls.

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He doesn’t want to pretend that playing exy with other princes is enjoyable and that the game they play isn’t.

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_ But I know I can’t do that forever. _

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Even if he sneaks in and has lunch with them sometimes. Even if Andrew smuggles him out of the castle and he spends a night cuddling Andrew’s cat then breaking Andrew’s bed. Even if they invite him to one of their games.

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_ I have to hide because I’m a monster. _

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A selfish one for wanting and putting them all in danger.

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Because his father is a monster and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Because one day, he’ll lose his cool, his anger will topple over the edge, which scares him.

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_ I am afraid, I am shattered. _

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Becoming his father is not an option, hurting his family is not an option, hurting Andrew is not an option.

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_ I am so afraid that you will leave me again in the end. _

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He does not expect any of them to stick by his side. He lies. He lies. He lies, why should they stay?

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_ Once again, I put on a mask and go to see you. _

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His evenings with Andrew in the garden are his favorite.

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They don't have to talk. When they do, it takes Nathaniel's mind off things, relaxes him.

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_ The only thing I can do, in this garden, in this world, is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you. _

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That has the fragrance of determination, the color of perseverance, the stem of strength, the leaves of generosity, and the nub of protection. 

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It's so fragile and Nathaniel fears he'll break it if he held it too tight.

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_ And to breathe as the me that you know _

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He looks at Andrew's amused expression and tries to match it.

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_ But I still want you _

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_ I still want you _

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**Author's Note:**

> tell me what you think?  
> Recommend songs to do this on?


End file.
